Half Radioactive

I’m sorry, every time I hear/say the word “radioactive” I think of this song.  I’m such an 80’s gal.

Also, I guess I can’t say that I’m half way yet, after tomorrow I’ll be 1/2 way but my math skills aren’t good enough to give the exact fraction of where I am be 1/3 and 1/2 of the way done.  So, I guess technically I have 13 of my 30 radiation treatments done!  So far it hasn’t been too bad.  I am getting a little tired but mostly I just ache.  You know how you feel when you have the flu, that’s how I feel most of the time, my whole body aches.  Normally 800mg of Ibuprofen will take care of it.  As long as I stay active it doesn’t get too bad and staying active has not been a problem.  Remember, I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old, I don’t sit!

I’m beeping so I only have a few minutes left (I’m getting my once every 3 week Herceptin infusion right now)

Wow, now I’m feeling rushed.  I’m going to physical therapy 3 days a week because my right hand has gone numb.  I think it’s carpal tunnel but they want me to go to physical therapy for six weeks.  It’s not helping but I enjoy my massage.  I also have to go because my right arm is swelling.  I think I’ll be switching physical therapist to one that works with possible lymphedema  patients, the guy I’m going to now isn’t comfortable working with it.  My whole chest area is also still really swollen so I’m getting a tad worried but it is what it is.  I’m alive and that’s all that matters.

My hair is probably an inch long and very gray!  I already have a hair appointment to get it dyed in a couple of weeks.

Have to run but I’ll be back soon.  Thanks for your prayers and I love you all!

Perfect ‘10?

Sorry I haven’t been writing, I was thinking that nothing really was going on to be writing about since I’m kind of in limbo right now.  Then I started rethinking that, there is always something happening.

I left off here waiting for my last drain tube to come out. That happened on December 23rd . . . in the shower.  Opps!  I accidentally pulled that sucker out about an inch so I shoved it back in!  I called the doctor’s office to see if I could just finish taking it out and of course they said no.  So, I went to Ann Arbor for them to do what I could have done, well already had done, but at least it was out!

TMI Alert!  The week before I went to see an eye doctor because I’ve had terrible, watery eyes for a couple of months.  I guess one of the side-effects of Taxotere is clogged tear ducts.  Well, the man tried to open them and it was pure torture.  He took this sharp instrument and shoved it into the tear duct, then took another thing and put it in there to dilate them, then he flushed them with water.  He had to do this 4 times (each duct) all while I was wide awake, no numbing solution or anything!  The whole time he was saying “don’t move”.  Um, yeah, ok, I was doing my best not to move because I really didn’t want to blind myself but it’s kinda of hard not to move when someone is shoving sharp objects in your eyes.  Then, to add insult to injury, my eyes are watering more now than they were before I went in.  I’ve chosen not to go back, I can live with watering eyes before I’ll let anyone do that to me again!

Christmas and New Year were great.  Man, it was wonderful to be able to have these holidays with my energy back and being able to feel good.  I truly feel blessed for that and for having my wonderful family and friends to celebrate with.

Right after the New Year I started feeling like I was coming down with the crud.  Both of my kids had been battling it, my parents had it, and so did my granny so I knew I was doomed.  Well, sure enough my temp hit 101.2 and I have a 100.5 rule that says I have to get to the ER if that happens.   Well, I went to the ER right away and I had gotten the H1N1 virus.  What a way to start the new year!  They drew my blood and found that my white blood count was 2.7 and that’s pretty low (4.0 is low), it’s not dangerous low, but it’s pretty low.  We’re assuming that is was low because of the flu but we have to keep an eye on it.

Thursday I had an appointment with my oncologist.  My white blood count has only come back to 2.8 so we’re watching that.  Also, I’ve been having problems with my left arm going numb so I start physical therapy tomorrow.  To top it off, I’m pretty swollen in my right arm pit/chest area so we are having to watch that.  I was supposed to go shopping for my breast prosthesis tomorrow but I think I better wait for the swelling to go down first.

So, tomorrow I start physical therapy AND radiation.  Radiation is starting a week after my plan so that means I have to cancel to trip to Florida in February to watch my friends run in the Breast Cancer Marathon.  Susan and Cindy, you know I will be there with you in heart and I’m so proud of you for doing this!

That’s alot going on for being in limbo!  Please pray that we are at the end of this journey and right now I’m just facing a few little bumps in the road.  I hope to return to work sometime in March or April so “normal” can return and ‘10 will be perfect.

Again, thank you for your prayers and support, I could not do this without you!

3 Weeks After Surgery

Can you believe it’s been 3 weeks?  I can’t.  In some ways it feels much longer than that and in others it feels like it how could it only be 3 weeks!  My biggest complaint right now is that I still have a drain tube in and I’m starting to wonder if that sucker is ever going to be able to come out.  I have to wait until it drains less than 30 ml a day for 2 days in a row and that hasn’t happened yet.  Soon, hopefully.  The tube, along with the corset thing I have to wear until the tube comes out are really uncomfortable.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since coming home from the hospital and I won’t until they go away.  Soon, hopefully.

Besides that I’m doing really well.  My energy is back and I can taste food again!  Ah, the food is back and just in time for all the fudge and the cookies and the parties and all the things I love in life!  Sad, I’m more excited about the food than I am my energy.  The energy is very exciting but I know that is getting ready to get zapped (literally) away from me again so I’m trying my hardest not to get used to it.  However, I should be taking advantage of it and getting everything done that I haven’t gotten done in months but, well, I have 2 kids under 2, there goes my energy!

Last week I had my consultation with radiation, my final step before reconstruction!  Reconstruction can’t happen for about a year so basically this is my last step before life goes back to “normal”.  Anyway, the consultation went great.  I’ve decided to do radiation in Jackson at a branch of the UofM.  This means I’ll be staying on at my parent’s house right to the end but that seemed like the most logical thing to do.  Right now I believe that radiation will start the week after Christmas if everything falls into place.  First of all, the tube has to be removed and my plan is that this will happen this week.  Also, I have to be able to lift and hold my arm above my head for an hour.  One of my rules for the last 3 weeks is that I can’t lift my arm above my head until the drain tube comes out.  Because of this we’re not sure that I’m going to be able to do this right away and it might take a little bit of time for me to rebuild the arm and be able to do it without pain.  My plan is that I’ll suck it up and make it happen.  So, right now I’m thinking that my drain tube will come out this week.  Next week I’ll have my “planning” appointment with radiation and the week after that I will start radiation for 6 1/2 weeks, 5 days a week.  Fun.

Now I’m getting ready to do something I never dreamed I’d be doing . . . shopping for boobs.  I’m totally not missing wearing a bra but with with hair being less than an inch long and not having any boobs, I’m feeling a little bit more like a boy than a girl right now.  Since I chose not to get a wig I better buy the other.

So Much To Be Thankful For

First of all, I’m going to apologize.  I have a feeling that my thoughts will be kind of random and you might need a GPS to follow me today.

Last week was my surgery.  I tried to log on before I went in and either the internet was giving me issues or this site was but I couldn’t get on here before-hand.  I was nervous and I wanted to get those thoughts down but maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t  because I wasn’t looking for a pity party and that’s maybe what it would have turned into.  Anyway, surgery was Friday.  It was scheduled for 10:00 so I had to be there at 8:00.  At 10:00 they still hadn’t called me back so obviously they were running behine.  However, once they called me back it was “go-go-go” and I think they got me in there around 11:00.  At that point my concern was getting me knocked out so I would no longer feel hungry and thirsty.  Priorities.  I’ve commented to several people about how impressed I was with my anestesiologist (sp?)  I’ve always had horrible veins and chemo totally trashed what few good veins I did have so putting in an IV is a major challenge.  That’s why I have a port now and was hoping that it could be used for the surgery but had a feeling it couldn’t be since chose to have both breasts removed and the port is right above my left one.  So, they tried to put an IV into my hand and it didn’t work.  They decided to access my port go they could get the “feel good” drugs in me and then move the IV to my hand once I was knocked out and wouldn’t care if it hurt anyway.  That was very kind of him.  However, they use a very big needle to access my port and when I go in for infusion I numb it before I get there.  There was no time for numbing it and I just had to suck it up.  I had my head turned away and the doctor reached over and grabbed my hand for me.  How sweet was that!  I wish I could remember his name because he sure deserves some kudos!  Next thing I knew I was being wheeled into an operating room, I was looking to see if there was an observatory deck like there is in Grey’s (didn’t see one but this is a learning hospital so I wouldn’t be surprised if I just missed it) and someone started holding an O2 mask over my face.  I knew it was time to think of my “happy place” and next thing I knew I heard “Vicky, we’re done, time to wake up”.  I kept trying to wake up but just couldn’t, it was at least 2 hours before they could take me to my room and everyone could come see me.  Sorry.  I do remember trying to wake up and thinking “you have to wake up, everyone is waiting” but I couldn’t.  Anyway, surgery was a success, both of my breasts were removed along with 12 lymph nodes on the right side.  I have 2 massive incisions, at least 6 inches long each but the pain has mostly been in my right arm, from the removal of the lymph nodes.  That’s why God made pain pills.

Yesterday I had to go see my oncologist and get my 3 week supply of herceptin.  My oncologist had my pathology results from my surgery and I was super nervous to get them.  The results were going to be either that I was cancer free or that it had spread.  Well, I got the news I prayed for and I can say that I’m cancer free!  It was all I could do to contain my tears.  Well, I couldn’t contain my tears, I have been “crying” for over a month.  I have cronic eye watering and it could be one of two things.  It’s either because my eyelashes have all fallen out and my eyes are irritated by the dust they are not protected from.  The other possibility is that one of the side effects of my chemo is that it clogs your tear ducts so the water has no where to drain.  I have an appointment in 3 weeks with the eye doctor to get that checked out.  Anyway, it was pretty exciting news.  I still have to do radiation and contiue to get herceptin for 9 months just in case there is a floater cell out there but as far as they can tell, I am cancer free.  Monday I go back to the doctor so they can go over it all with me again and let me meet with someone from radiation so they explain that to me.  The road is still long, but I’m gaining on it.

One piece of bummer news I received yesterday is that I will probably have to wait a year before I can have reconstruction.  This is because of the type of cancer I have and with it being inflammatory we have to be extra cautious.  I’m just looking at the positive.  Next summer I can wear tank tops with no fears of a bra strap showing!

Today I’m feeling very thankful and very blessed.  You all are a big part of me being both of those.

My First Thursday “Off”

This is my first Thursday “off” since August 6th.  Ever Thursday since then, except August 20th because I couldn’t breathe, I’ve had chemo.  However, as of one week ago today, I ‘m no long on chemo!!!  Ok, I’m allowed to get excited because this is so huge, but I’m also so afraid of it coming back that I can’t get excited.  Also, I’m not even close to done fighting this evil and there are so many unknowns out there that I’m having a hard time getting excited.  Does that make sense?

On Monday I met with my surgeon after having another mammogram and an Echo-cardiogram.  He confirmed that I am ready for surgery.  He didn’t say “the cancer is gone” like I was hoping to hear, he didn’t say anything regarding the cancer, just that I’m ready for surgery.  In a couple of weeks I’ll see my oncologist and I’ll ask her if my cancer is gone.  Anyway, a week from tomorrow I go under the knife.  At my request both breasts will be removed.  He said it really didn’t make a difference except for giving me peace of mind.  Well, peace of mind is huge to me so that’s what we are going to do.  The surgery will be done right at the mail hospital at the University of Michigan and I get to stay the night since the procedure will take 4 hours.  That means I will be releasef from the hospital on November 21st, probably right in the middle of the OSU vs. UofM football game while they are playing in Ann Arbor.  That sucks on so many levels!!!  Recovery should take about 3 weeks then radiation will start in about 4 weeks.

Right now I can’t believe that surgery is only a week away. I hope my ability to taste food is back by then so I can build up my strength to recover.  Also, I want my taste to recover so I can drink my much deserved margarita before my big surgery!

Almost There!

and why do I feel guilty for being so excited?

One week from today I will get my last round of chemo!  I’m almost there!  However, it is bittersweet because I have come to love everyone at infusion.  I can not say enough for all the nurses and everyone I’ve come in contact with at the University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center.  Also, I’ve met many people that will never see another day of their life without a round of chemo pending somewhere around the corner.  I am very blessed because I do have an end, at least for now.  It may come back but we’re not going to talk about that unless it does and . . . well, I just can’t go there right now.

Two weeks ago I met my first person at the hospital with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  She’s been there a year and I’m the first one she has met also.  Unlike myself, she waited before going to the doctor and by the time she did go her cancer had spread and is now in her liver.  Because the cancer has spread they won’t do surgery on her and she will be on chemo for the rest of her lift.  If we hadn’t been wired up to IVs at the time I would have hugged that lady.  Chemo for the rest of her life, I simply can’t imagine it.  Everyday I am blessed, this could have been so much worse.

Each round I get more tired and food tastes more yucky to me.  You would think that means I would drop a few pounds but I’m not.  You see, the Gods granted me with this ability to each junk no matter what so I may not be able to eat my veggies but I can sure put down a bowl of ice cream.  At least my weight has stayed the same the last 2 weeks and after next week I’ll stop getting steriods so hopefully it will start going down.

I do have a date for surgery for those of you following along and it’s November 20th.  I believe that is the Friday before the big UofM vs. OSU football game.  At least this year I’ll have an excuse to get to lay around on the couch and watch the game, assuming I’m home.  Otherwise I’ll be in the hospital, wearing the gown that Carrie made me and hoping I don’t disturb too many patients while cheering on the game.  Hey, I’ll be on the UofM’s campus they will understand.  Hey, we could have a tailgate party in the hosptial. . .

The end of chemo is near, I still have a long road but this is one massive step that I can’t wait to have under my belt.

12 Down, 4 To Go!

Assuming nothing changes in the gameplan, I am officially in my last month of chemo!!!!  Nothing against anyone at the U of M Comprehensive Cancer center, they are the reason I’m alive, but I sure will be happy to have this leg of it over with.  It’s  a huge part and I really will feel so much closer to being done once this is done.  The thing is, I have to keep reminding myself that I won’t be done, there is still a long road ahead of me, but it feels like such a huge step.   (how many times did I say “done” in the last 4 sentences?)

All in all, I’m still feeling pretty good.  The worst part is that I’m getting what I call “herceptin nails” .  Herceptin is a drug that I will be on until August, it’s an easy drug on me but one of the potential side effects is that your nails fall off.  Well, it’s starting.  After the next 4 weeks I only get this drug once every 3 weeks so I’m thinking my nails will recover but it’s not a biggie if they don’t, it just looks nasty.  Small price to pay for getting to stay alive.  The hot flashes are also driving me me insane but menopause was going to happen sooner or later so I’m glad to get that overwith now and then I’ll be done when all my friends are going thru it in our 50’s.  The only other thing that drives me insane is not having nose hair (yep, you lose that hair too).  I won’t get into details but trust me, you don’t want be my kleenex everyday, nasty!

So, as you see, I don’t have a lot to update but I have been kid free for almost 24 hours and will be for another 24 hours so I had to take advantage of the moment to update here.  I love being able to sit here for a few moments but I have to admit, I miss those little buggers and keep thinking I should be doing something.

Thank you all for all you have done for me.  I love you all!

Oh, by the way, my hair is coming back and I actually have to go buy razors.  Now, I just wish the nose hair would follow suit!

Can I Help You, Sir?

I had a first happen to me on Sunday, I was called “sir”.  So, until my hair comes back you will not see me wearing green camoflauge with a beret again

Yes, I know I have been a COMPLETE slacker in both of my blogs and I do apologize.  However, I do want you to know that I think about you all every day and try my hardest to get on here but it’s not been easy.  You see, I have this 21 month old little boy that seems to be entering the terrible 2’s with full force which makes in impossible for me to get online while he is awake.  Then I have this 8 month old that doesn’t ever want to nap and thinks she has to have my full attention every moment she is awake, again, making it impossible for me to get online.  Then, once I manage to get both of them down around 9:00 I’m plumb worn out.  Parenthood, it ain’t for wimps!

Honestly, I’m doing great!  All of my numbers are going UP instead of down.  I’m almost not anemic anymore!!!  My white cell counts went up last week, they are still low but they went up instead of down this past week.  There is another number going UP that doesn’t make me happy but it makes my doctors happy and that’s my weight.  Yeah, I was thinking that dropping weight would be one of the perks to chemo but nope, I’m gaining weight.  Everyone assures me that once they stop pumping me full of steriods that the weight will just fall off of me.  Right, weight always just falls off of me, it’s something I’ve had to deal with my whole life.  I’ll have to eat nothing but lettuce for the next year to get rid of the weight.  Oh well.

I think I left off telling you all that I had to go to a cardiologist.  My heart looks beautiful, it’s working great, but sometimes it takes off racing on me and keeps going for about 20 minutes before it stops.  It’s really not fun, quite scary actually.  The cardiologist is not worried about it, she used some big word that I can’t remember to call it but said it probably wasn’t a big deal.  However, she wants me to wear this wonderful heart monitor for 21 days.  The monitor itself isn’t uncomfortable but the electrobes stuck on my body are irritating my skin.  Only 6 more days and I can take it off,  not that I’m counting or anything.  The kicker is, my heart has been “normal” the entire time I’ve worn this and I know it will flutter the day after I take it off.

I know many of you watch Grey’s Anatomy.  Did you all see last week’s episode?  Well, for those of you that didn’t or don’t watch let me give you a quick summary.  One of the characters, Izzy, has cancer.  She is one of the doctors but hasn’t been working for some time because of the cancer but she spent this episode in surgery all day.  At the end of the episode she said a line that really struck home to me.  She said “today I didn’t have cancer”.  I knew exactly what she meant because my best days are days where “I don’t have cancer”.  Yes, I know I have cancer every day but on days where I can just be me and forget it are my best days and lately that has been most days.  Most days I’m this crazy mom that is just trying to stop her 21 month old from throwing his food when he’s done eating and trying to get her 8 month old to nap.  By the end of the day I’m exhausted, just as I’m sure any other mom would be but probably a little more-so than most.  Well, I know more than most because not that long ago I wasn’t sick and wasn’t this tired at night.  If I didn’t have these little people to drive me insane I would have cancer every day but  because of them I don’t.  Because of them I can live.  Don’t get me wrong, I would LO VE to figure out how to have some free time to knit, read, update my blog or just watch a trashy movie and someday I’ll get to do that again.  Right now I’m just glad that I still feel well enough to be “normal”.

For those of you counting, I have 5 more rounds of chemo left.  I should finish the first week of November and 3 weeks later will be my first surgery.  If you count on the calendar you will see that 3 weeks to the day after my last chemo is Thanksgiving.  I won’t be surprised if my surgery is at the beginning of that week but I’m hoping for the week before and that I’m feeling well enough to go shopping on Black Friday.

I promise that I’m going to do better and not wait so long before I post again.  There must be a way for me to make it all happen and I must get better at it!!!

Love you all and thanks for being there for me in all that you do!

The New Plan

Last week I started my chemo receipe since my last once didn’t like me getting Oxygen and, well, I like my Oxygen.  Well, let me back up a touch as I see I am, once again, behind.

August 27th I went in for chemo (I had missed the week before) but they wanted to check my lungs again to see if I was ready and I wasn’t.  My lungs had pretty much stayed even, slight impovment, but not enough to hardly measure.  My oncologist didn’t seem overly concerned because lungs take time to heal.  Ok.  She did still want to give me my Herceptin since that’s not chemo, it’s a targeted treatment and not a whole body treatment.

Last week, Thursday I went in and we decided to go for for it again, only with a different drug from the Taxol since that gave me issues.  So last week they gave me the Herceptin and changed the Taxol to Taxotere, a cousin drug to Taxol.  Honestely, I haven’t researched it yet so I really can’t tell you the difference but it’s supposed to maybe be easier on me.  Last week I did fine but I had my reaction after my second round last time so I’m not feeling completely out out the woods just yet.  Today was my second round so please keep your fingers crossed.  They also gave me a flu shot today and that should make my co-workers laugh since I’ve been so adament about NOT getting a flu shot for several years.  I’ll also be getting H1N1 shot when available.

Now my biggest complaint about side-effects has been hot flashes.  OMG, I remember my Aunt Helen having them and me thinking she must be exaggerating or something.  No. She. Wasn’t.  The chemo has shut down my ovaries so it’s like instant menopause.  It has to be worse that getting Pitocin for instant labor when having a baby or at least rank right up there.  The night is the worst.  They gave me a drug that I’m starting tonight that hopefully will help slow them down and I’ll get a good night’s sleep!  I’m actually thankful I’m bald right now to let the heat out

Other side effects include: possible having The Shingles but the rash never happened, just the body aches and weight gain.  GAIN!  That makes me a happy camper.  I guess it’s from all the steriods I’m on and once I’m off them the weight should come right off but the rate I’m gaining I’ll be up 30 pounds before I’m done.

Overall I feel pretty good.  My hemaglobin is up, still aneminc but up.  I’ve been able to take a couple of one mile walks but I’m done after a mile.  A few times a week I feel like I need a nap in the afternoon but that hasn’t been able to happen yet.  If I could get the kids to nap at the same time it sure would make that nap for me easier.  I also need to learn to let go of the housework but that’s a whole ‘nother topic I won’t get into right now

Basically because of my reaction to the Taxol I’m 2 weeks behind on my chemo schedule and won’t finish until the first or second week of November now.  I”m still hoping for surgery around Thanksgiving but that is not scheduled yet.  My body is really reacting well to the drugs.  The doctor can not even find my enlarged lymph nodes and everything else looks back to normal.  You can still feel a lump but it’s not distinct, it’s basically more dense than the other side.  I’m thrilled.  Honestly, I think in 2 months I’ll be cancer free and the tears of joy stream down my face just thinking about it.  We’re getting there!!!

Thanks to everyone for the continued calls, cards and emails I keep getting.  I really do have the most incredible network of friends and support that I could ever imagine.  You are amazing and you are my rock.  It’s incredible what getting a simple card in the mail does, not that I don’t love my emails and comments in my blog, but something physical in the mail just really puts a smile on my face.  Thank you!  and I love you all so much.

The Benefest

On August 22nd my in-laws and a bunch of wonderful people put together a benefest for me!  Well, it actually started on Friday night with a Kareoke contest and then we had a full day of events going on Saturday.  It was moving, it was wonderful and it was very successful!  I could not get over how many people kept coming in all day long.  We did not do a head count but I know that over 500 people showed up over the 2 days.  It was amazingly wonderful.  I can’t thank everyone enough that put on the benefit and everyone that came out in support of me.  Friday night I got up on stage to thank everyone and started crying.  Saturday night I got up on stage to thank eveyone again and, for the first time in my life, I was speechless.  It was just overwhelming to me to see all these people that were there for ME, all for ME.  I’m still in shock and very thankful.

We have 2 more benefits coming up.  One is a Super Shoot on Sept 20th.  My in-laws have a 3D archery course and the Sept 20th shoot is a benefit for me!  Then we were contacted about a mud bog that will take place on October 24th that will be a benefit for me.  I’m not sure the details on that one just yet but I guess they do a benefit mud bog every month and they want October’s to be for me.  I”m not sure what I’ve done my whole life to deserve such wonderful help but I sure am thankful.