Over-all I really feel great.  I’m not as strong as I was but I plan to start getting outside more, pushing the kids in the stroller or pulling them in a wagon or whatever to help get me back in shape.  I’m also trying to eat a little better.  Seriously, I need to shed some of these pounds that chemo put on me!  I’m a little tired too but I feel I’m entitled to be tired.  I’m a working mom of two toddlers!  I wish I could stay awake longer after they go to bed just so I could get more stuff done but most nights I’m in bed not long after they are.

My hair is coming back!  It’s not really long but it’s long enough that I’m not wearing hat or scarves anymore.  It felt kinda weird walking into the cancer center today without something on my head, I’ve only done that 4 times and none of those times have been since July.  It feels good not automatically look like a cancer patient, I’m a survivor!

Radiation went alright.  I am tired and I ache like a 110 year old woman.  At the end I did burn and am quite thankful that since I don’t have lymph nodes in my right arm that means I’m numb so I can’t feel the burn.  However, I can see the blisters and they drain and ooze through my shirts so it’s not lovely but it could be worse.  I’ve been done with radiation for over a week so I’m healing!

This week I have a follow-up appointment with my lymph-edema doctor this week but my swelling hasn’t really changed so I don’t think she’ll be concerned.  I wish the swelling would go away but she said she has a few tricks up her sleeve and I have a feeling she’ll pull them out when I see her  Wednesday.

The Herceptin, however, I can’t be so upbeat about.  It is also contributing to my aching body, shortness of breath and has caused my left hand to go numb, basically my thumb, pointer and middle fingers.  But, the wost thing is that it’s hurting my heart.  I was warned that this was a real possible side effect and that is why I have an echo-cardiogram done every 3 months but I didn’t really think that it would happen to me.  They did the echo 4 weeks ago and my heart has gone to operating at 75%, where it was when first diagnosed in June, to 52% now.  I have another echo scheduled for the end of April and if my heart function has dropped to below 50% then they are going to take me off this drug.  This drug is given to me every 3 weeks and I don’t want to wait until the end of April to find out how much damage it’s doing.  Well, I actually won’t find out until May.  I have scheduled an appointment with my oncologist for 2 weeks from now to discuss this with her.  I think when I was told a week ago about it I was simply in too much shock to ask questions but now I have a bunch to ask.  First off all, I want to ask for an echo asap to  check it again.  We can’t kill my heart, I only have one of those.  I also want to know what I can do, if anything, to help strengthen it again.  I imagine cardio is good but I also imagine that it’s only good to a certain degree.  Should I change my diet?  Will my heart recover once I’m off this drug?

Any other questions you might have or answers are welcome.

So, that’s where I sit.  I’m done with everything except getting Herceptin every 3 weeks and that drug is hurting me so I don’t know how much longer I’ll be on it.  Also, I return to work 2 weeks from tomorrow, my “vacation” is over.  It’s hard to believe that this phase of it is “over”.

This week I also visited a Lymphedema specialist.  My chest has been quite swollen for the last month or so and I didn’t want to dink around and let it get out of control.  She had very good news for me and was able to explain it in a language that I could understand.  First of all, she really doesn’t think I have lymphedema but wants me to come back in a couple of weeks so she can look at it again.  What’s going on is this, it’s swelling.  You know how if you sprain your ankle it will swell up.  Your body sends fluid there so it can fix the injury.   Well, the end of November I was “injured” when I had my surgery so my body sent fluid there to fix it.  Since then, I’ve been “injuring” it every day by have radiation so my body keeps trying to fix it.  She expects that once the radiation stops the swelling will go away.  If it doesn’t go away on it’s own she has some special tape she can put on me that will help.  I guess the tubes (?) that carry this fluid are right below the skin.  This tape lifts the skin and gives the tubes more room to carry the fluid away.  Make sense?

She did give me one piece of bad news, but, as I said earlier, I’m learning I have to roll with it because cancer really is a nasty thing.  Well, come to think of it, the things I’m going to have to live with are not from the cancer, they are from the cure to cancer, chemo.  But, without chemo I’d be dead so I guess the alternative is to live with the side effects.  Anyway, in my left hand my middle and pointer fingers have gone numb.  She said I would probably never get them back because it’s caused from chemo.  I can’t quite just roll with that side effect because it keeps me awake at night and I don’t have full range of motion with it so I’m working on finding ways to massage it or something to bring it back to me.  My other lovely side effect is the watery eyes I have from the clogged tear ducts.  I could probably get those fixed but I’m not sure if it’s worth the price of torture.  So far, I’m living with it.

Next week I meet with my oncologist and will discuss with her about going back to work.  The “end” of this journey is almost here.  Well, I still have appointments every 3 weeks to get Herceptin but once every 3 weeks is nothing compared to what the past several months have been.  I also have another pretty major surgery in a year or so but that seems like forever from now.   I can’t even begin to express how happy I will be to have this chapter of my life closed.

For those of you that follow my other blog, I finally updated it and there is something very exciting there you might want to read.

Also, I guess I can’t say that I’m half way yet, after tomorrow I’ll be 1/2 way but my math skills aren’t good enough to give the exact fraction of where I am be 1/3 and 1/2 of the way done.  So, I guess technically I have 13 of my 30 radiation treatments done!  So far it hasn’t been too bad.  I am getting a little tired but mostly I just ache.  You know how you feel when you have the flu, that’s how I feel most of the time, my whole body aches.  Normally 800mg of Ibuprofen will take care of it.  As long as I stay active it doesn’t get too bad and staying active has not been a problem.  Remember, I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old, I don’t sit!

I’m beeping so I only have a few minutes left (I’m getting my once every 3 week Herceptin infusion right now)

Wow, now I’m feeling rushed.  I’m going to physical therapy 3 days a week because my right hand has gone numb.  I think it’s carpal tunnel but they want me to go to physical therapy for six weeks.  It’s not helping but I enjoy my massage.  I also have to go because my right arm is swelling.  I think I’ll be switching physical therapist to one that works with possible lymphedema  patients, the guy I’m going to now isn’t comfortable working with it.  My whole chest area is also still really swollen so I’m getting a tad worried but it is what it is.  I’m alive and that’s all that matters.

My hair is probably an inch long and very gray!  I already have a hair appointment to get it dyed in a couple of weeks.

Have to run but I’ll be back soon.  Thanks for your prayers and I love you all!

I left off here waiting for my last drain tube to come out. That happened on December 23rd . . . in the shower.  Opps!  I accidentally pulled that sucker out about an inch so I shoved it back in!  I called the doctor’s office to see if I could just finish taking it out and of course they said no.  So, I went to Ann Arbor for them to do what I could have done, well already had done, but at least it was out!

TMI Alert!  The week before I went to see an eye doctor because I’ve had terrible, watery eyes for a couple of months.  I guess one of the side-effects of Taxotere is clogged tear ducts.  Well, the man tried to open them and it was pure torture.  He took this sharp instrument and shoved it into the tear duct, then took another thing and put it in there to dilate them, then he flushed them with water.  He had to do this 4 times (each duct) all while I was wide awake, no numbing solution or anything!  The whole time he was saying “don’t move”.  Um, yeah, ok, I was doing my best not to move because I really didn’t want to blind myself but it’s kinda of hard not to move when someone is shoving sharp objects in your eyes.  Then, to add insult to injury, my eyes are watering more now than they were before I went in.  I’ve chosen not to go back, I can live with watering eyes before I’ll let anyone do that to me again!

Christmas and New Year were great.  Man, it was wonderful to be able to have these holidays with my energy back and being able to feel good.  I truly feel blessed for that and for having my wonderful family and friends to celebrate with.

Right after the New Year I started feeling like I was coming down with the crud.  Both of my kids had been battling it, my parents had it, and so did my granny so I knew I was doomed.  Well, sure enough my temp hit 101.2 and I have a 100.5 rule that says I have to get to the ER if that happens.   Well, I went to the ER right away and I had gotten the H1N1 virus.  What a way to start the new year!  They drew my blood and found that my white blood count was 2.7 and that’s pretty low (4.0 is low), it’s not dangerous low, but it’s pretty low.  We’re assuming that is was low because of the flu but we have to keep an eye on it.

Thursday I had an appointment with my oncologist.  My white blood count has only come back to 2.8 so we’re watching that.  Also, I’ve been having problems with my left arm going numb so I start physical therapy tomorrow.  To top it off, I’m pretty swollen in my right arm pit/chest area so we are having to watch that.  I was supposed to go shopping for my breast prosthesis tomorrow but I think I better wait for the swelling to go down first.

So, tomorrow I start physical therapy AND radiation.  Radiation is starting a week after my plan so that means I have to cancel to trip to Florida in February to watch my friends run in the Breast Cancer Marathon.  Susan and Cindy, you know I will be there with you in heart and I’m so proud of you for doing this!

That’s alot going on for being in limbo!  Please pray that we are at the end of this journey and right now I’m just facing a few little bumps in the road.  I hope to return to work sometime in March or April so “normal” can return and ’10 will be perfect.

Again, thank you for your prayers and support, I could not do this without you!

Besides that I’m doing really well.  My energy is back and I can taste food again!  Ah, the food is back and just in time for all the fudge and the cookies and the parties and all the things I love in life!  Sad, I’m more excited about the food than I am my energy.  The energy is very exciting but I know that is getting ready to get zapped (literally) away from me again so I’m trying my hardest not to get used to it.  However, I should be taking advantage of it and getting everything done that I haven’t gotten done in months but, well, I have 2 kids under 2, there goes my energy!

Last week I had my consultation with radiation, my final step before reconstruction!  Reconstruction can’t happen for about a year so basically this is my last step before life goes back to “normal”.  Anyway, the consultation went great.  I’ve decided to do radiation in Jackson at a branch of the UofM.  This means I’ll be staying on at my parent’s house right to the end but that seemed like the most logical thing to do.  Right now I believe that radiation will start the week after Christmas if everything falls into place.  First of all, the tube has to be removed and my plan is that this will happen this week.  Also, I have to be able to lift and hold my arm above my head for an hour.  One of my rules for the last 3 weeks is that I can’t lift my arm above my head until the drain tube comes out.  Because of this we’re not sure that I’m going to be able to do this right away and it might take a little bit of time for me to rebuild the arm and be able to do it without pain.  My plan is that I’ll suck it up and make it happen.  So, right now I’m thinking that my drain tube will come out this week.  Next week I’ll have my “planning” appointment with radiation and the week after that I will start radiation for 6 1/2 weeks, 5 days a week.  Fun.

Now I’m getting ready to do something I never dreamed I’d be doing . . . shopping for boobs.  I’m totally not missing wearing a bra but with with hair being less than an inch long and not having any boobs, I’m feeling a little bit more like a boy than a girl right now.  Since I chose not to get a wig I better buy the other.

Last week was my surgery.  I tried to log on before I went in and either the internet was giving me issues or this site was but I couldn’t get on here before-hand.  I was nervous and I wanted to get those thoughts down but maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t  because I wasn’t looking for a pity party and that’s maybe what it would have turned into.  Anyway, surgery was Friday.  It was scheduled for 10:00 so I had to be there at 8:00.  At 10:00 they still hadn’t called me back so obviously they were running behine.  However, once they called me back it was “go-go-go” and I think they got me in there around 11:00.  At that point my concern was getting me knocked out so I would no longer feel hungry and thirsty.  Priorities.  I’ve commented to several people about how impressed I was with my anestesiologist (sp?)  I’ve always had horrible veins and chemo totally trashed what few good veins I did have so putting in an IV is a major challenge.  That’s why I have a port now and was hoping that it could be used for the surgery but had a feeling it couldn’t be since chose to have both breasts removed and the port is right above my left one.  So, they tried to put an IV into my hand and it didn’t work.  They decided to access my port go they could get the “feel good” drugs in me and then move the IV to my hand once I was knocked out and wouldn’t care if it hurt anyway.  That was very kind of him.  However, they use a very big needle to access my port and when I go in for infusion I numb it before I get there.  There was no time for numbing it and I just had to suck it up.  I had my head turned away and the doctor reached over and grabbed my hand for me.  How sweet was that!  I wish I could remember his name because he sure deserves some kudos!  Next thing I knew I was being wheeled into an operating room, I was looking to see if there was an observatory deck like there is in Grey’s (didn’t see one but this is a learning hospital so I wouldn’t be surprised if I just missed it) and someone started holding an O2 mask over my face.  I knew it was time to think of my “happy place” and next thing I knew I heard “Vicky, we’re done, time to wake up”.  I kept trying to wake up but just couldn’t, it was at least 2 hours before they could take me to my room and everyone could come see me.  Sorry.  I do remember trying to wake up and thinking “you have to wake up, everyone is waiting” but I couldn’t.  Anyway, surgery was a success, both of my breasts were removed along with 12 lymph nodes on the right side.  I have 2 massive incisions, at least 6 inches long each but the pain has mostly been in my right arm, from the removal of the lymph nodes.  That’s why God made pain pills.

Yesterday I had to go see my oncologist and get my 3 week supply of herceptin.  My oncologist had my pathology results from my surgery and I was super nervous to get them.  The results were going to be either that I was cancer free or that it had spread.  Well, I got the news I prayed for and I can say that I’m cancer free!  It was all I could do to contain my tears.  Well, I couldn’t contain my tears, I have been “crying” for over a month.  I have cronic eye watering and it could be one of two things.  It’s either because my eyelashes have all fallen out and my eyes are irritated by the dust they are not protected from.  The other possibility is that one of the side effects of my chemo is that it clogs your tear ducts so the water has no where to drain.  I have an appointment in 3 weeks with the eye doctor to get that checked out.  Anyway, it was pretty exciting news.  I still have to do radiation and contiue to get herceptin for 9 months just in case there is a floater cell out there but as far as they can tell, I am cancer free.  Monday I go back to the doctor so they can go over it all with me again and let me meet with someone from radiation so they explain that to me.  The road is still long, but I’m gaining on it.

One piece of bummer news I received yesterday is that I will probably have to wait a year before I can have reconstruction.  This is because of the type of cancer I have and with it being inflammatory we have to be extra cautious.  I’m just looking at the positive.  Next summer I can wear tank tops with no fears of a bra strap showing!

Today I’m feeling very thankful and very blessed.  You all are a big part of me being both of those.

On Monday I met with my surgeon after having another mammogram and an Echo-cardiogram.  He confirmed that I am ready for surgery.  He didn’t say “the cancer is gone” like I was hoping to hear, he didn’t say anything regarding the cancer, just that I’m ready for surgery.  In a couple of weeks I’ll see my oncologist and I’ll ask her if my cancer is gone.  Anyway, a week from tomorrow I go under the knife.  At my request both breasts will be removed.  He said it really didn’t make a difference except for giving me peace of mind.  Well, peace of mind is huge to me so that’s what we are going to do.  The surgery will be done right at the mail hospital at the University of Michigan and I get to stay the night since the procedure will take 4 hours.  That means I will be releasef from the hospital on November 21st, probably right in the middle of the OSU vs. UofM football game while they are playing in Ann Arbor.  That sucks on so many levels!!!  Recovery should take about 3 weeks then radiation will start in about 4 weeks.

Right now I can’t believe that surgery is only a week away. I hope my ability to taste food is back by then so I can build up my strength to recover.  Also, I want my taste to recover so I can drink my much deserved margarita before my big surgery!

One week from today I will get my last round of chemo!  I’m almost there!  However, it is bittersweet because I have come to love everyone at infusion.  I can not say enough for all the nurses and everyone I’ve come in contact with at the University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center.  Also, I’ve met many people that will never see another day of their life without a round of chemo pending somewhere around the corner.  I am very blessed because I do have an end, at least for now.  It may come back but we’re not going to talk about that unless it does and . . . well, I just can’t go there right now.

Two weeks ago I met my first person at the hospital with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  She’s been there a year and I’m the first one she has met also.  Unlike myself, she waited before going to the doctor and by the time she did go her cancer had spread and is now in her liver.  Because the cancer has spread they won’t do surgery on her and she will be on chemo for the rest of her lift.  If we hadn’t been wired up to IVs at the time I would have hugged that lady.  Chemo for the rest of her life, I simply can’t imagine it.  Everyday I am blessed, this could have been so much worse.

Each round I get more tired and food tastes more yucky to me.  You would think that means I would drop a few pounds but I’m not.  You see, the Gods granted me with this ability to each junk no matter what so I may not be able to eat my veggies but I can sure put down a bowl of ice cream.  At least my weight has stayed the same the last 2 weeks and after next week I’ll stop getting steriods so hopefully it will start going down.

I do have a date for surgery for those of you following along and it’s November 20th.  I believe that is the Friday before the big UofM vs. OSU football game.  At least this year I’ll have an excuse to get to lay around on the couch and watch the game, assuming I’m home.  Otherwise I’ll be in the hospital, wearing the gown that Carrie made me and hoping I don’t disturb too many patients while cheering on the game.  Hey, I’ll be on the UofM’s campus they will understand.  Hey, we could have a tailgate party in the hosptial. . .

The end of chemo is near, I still have a long road but this is one massive step that I can’t wait to have under my belt.

All in all, I’m still feeling pretty good.  The worst part is that I’m getting what I call “herceptin nails” .  Herceptin is a drug that I will be on until August, it’s an easy drug on me but one of the potential side effects is that your nails fall off.  Well, it’s starting.  After the next 4 weeks I only get this drug once every 3 weeks so I’m thinking my nails will recover but it’s not a biggie if they don’t, it just looks nasty.  Small price to pay for getting to stay alive.  The hot flashes are also driving me me insane but menopause was going to happen sooner or later so I’m glad to get that overwith now and then I’ll be done when all my friends are going thru it in our 50′s.  The only other thing that drives me insane is not having nose hair (yep, you lose that hair too).  I won’t get into details but trust me, you don’t want be my kleenex everyday, nasty!

So, as you see, I don’t have a lot to update but I have been kid free for almost 24 hours and will be for another 24 hours so I had to take advantage of the moment to update here.  I love being able to sit here for a few moments but I have to admit, I miss those little buggers and keep thinking I should be doing something.

Thank you all for all you have done for me.  I love you all!

Oh, by the way, my hair is coming back and I actually have to go buy razors.  Now, I just wish the nose hair would follow suit!